A POLITICAL CHRISTMAS CAROL

With Christmas just around the corner, I thought it would be fun to see how A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens would translate into politics......or at least translate into politics in my mind anyway. So here it is, my offering for your Christmas pleasure.


A CONSERVATIVE CHRISTMAS CAROL

Old Teddy was dead of this there was no doubt. The ledger of his death was signed by his partner Ebeneezer Obama. The local Scotch distillery was bankrupt from lack of his business. The Oldsmobile Dealership was breathing as sigh of relief as they no longer would see their cars driven off bridges. Yes Teddy was dead and it had been seven years.

Ebeneezer Obama was sitting in his taxing house on this Christmas Eve looking for more ways to tax anyone who was not paying their fare share as he put it. He knew that redistributing wealth was his job and no one could do it better than Ebeneezer Obama.


Obama - John Beohner Cratchit come here this instant.


Boehner - Why waaaaa, waaaaaa

Obama - Stop that crying and bring me the ledger for those Wall Street rich cats so I can tax them some more, and bring me the one for John Q that little business guy so I can tax him too.

Boehner - But waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaaaa

Obama - Is that all you can do Boehner Cratcit is cry ?

Boehner - Uh huh waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa

Narrator - Suddenly the door opens and in walks old Ebeneezer Obama's Nephew Herman Cain Hollywell.

Cain - A Merry Christmas Uncle Obama and a Happy 999 to everyone!

Obama - What are you doing here I thought I got rid of you when the reporters found out about you and those women.

Cain - Uncle, just like your tax plans, I am not going away, besides there are still women I can harass and I thought I'd come here and harass you too.

Obama - Boehner-Cratchit throw my nephew out!

Boehner - Waaaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa

Cain - See, even your clerk is glad to see me cause that's exactly what all those women did when I was around them.

Obama - So what else do you want nephew?

Cain - I have a better tax plan for you uncle it's called 999 and it will change the way you work.

Obama - My way works just fine - I tax everyone rich and poor alike and that kills jobs then I tell them how much my plan is saving them and the dupes believe it, what's wrong with that?

Cain - But 999 is better since it makes it really fair and besides if you keep taxing like you do I won't be able to afford to harass any more chicks because I'll be broke and my money gets 'em interested in the first place.

Obama - Why should I care about you and your women?

Cain - Because the way I'm acting even makes you look good.

Obama - Hmmmm you got a point there. At any rate good afternoon nephew I've more people to tax so be on your way.

Cain - Can I at least grab your clerk and take him out for a drink and a grope since I can't convince you about 999?

Obama - Sure go ahead I was fixing to close up shop for the day anyway and with it being Christmas Eve and all I at least owe him that for his Christmas bonus.

Cain - Thanks uncle come on Boehner-Cratchit.

Boehner - waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaaa, woooowww!

Narrator - With that done, Ebenezer Obama closed up his shop and went to his home where he lived next to his best friend Bill Ayers. As Ebeneezer Obama prepared for bed he heard a strange noise coming from his wine cellar, a noise he hadn't heard in seven years.

Obama - What's that strange noise? It sounds like someone is swimming away from a wreck and drinking my scotch at the same time. I haven't heard that since my old Partner Teddy K Marley died, but he's been dead seven years so it couldn't be him....could it?

Teddy - hic boo, hic boo, hic boooooooooo

Obama - Who are you?

Teddy - Erraa, ask me who I was, hic....

Obama - Alright who were you then?

Teddy - In life I was your partner Teddy K Marley.

Obama - No it can't be your dead, that last Oldsmobile you drove off the bridge seven years ago with that girl inside, she survived but you drowned when the broken case of scotch landed in the front seat and poured over your head. The coroner pronounced you dead by scotch suffocation.

Teddy - Yes Ebeneezer Obama I did die by scotch suffocation and as a happy man, but you still don't believe in me do you?

Obama - I do not there's no such things as liberal ghosts.

Teddy - What evidence would you need besides that of seeing me here before you ?

Obama - The smell...I mean your nose is red and your hair is a mess but there is not the first smell of scotch anywhere and any ghost of Teddy K would smell like scotch.

Teddy - (sound of glass breaking and drinking) - hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, there is that better, do you believe in me now?

Obama - Dreadful ugly fat apparition, the smell of scotch is so strong it has to be you Teddy. So why are you here and why to spirits haunt the earth tonight.

Teddy - Ahh spirits, I like the sound of that word, spirits kept me going for all my years and I do miss the taste, this ghost scotch is kind of bland. Oh yeah...why am I here....I am here because you need a lesson that I learned only after I crashed that last Olds.

Obama - A lesson from you?

Teddy - Yes Ebeneezer Obama funny as it seems, a lesson from me.

Obama - Ok get it over with so I can go to bed I've got a lot of people to tax tomorrow and I need my sleep.

Teddy - That's why I'm here Ebeneezer Obama, to help you tax.........no, no, no, wait I need a drink to get my thoughts straight......there that's better...I'm here to tell you taxing everyone doesn't work and if you want to stay in business you'd better start cutting taxes.

Obama - I think you've been drinking way too much of that scotch there Teddy, as my partner you were always the first to suggest raising taxes.

Teddy - Yes but since I got crocked and croaked seven years ago I have seen the error of my ways and even the scotch doesn't change that.

Obama - Oh swim away and get plastered like you used to do in life and leave me to tax as I want.

Teddy - Ebeneezer Obama you will be haunted by three spirits, oh I like that word, tonight since I can't convince you about taxes.

Obama - Three why just three?

Teddy - Because that is all the stimulus I could find to come and see you that's why.

Obama - What of I refuse to go with them?

Teddy - Then I'll take YOU on a ride in my Olds and we'll find a bridge where I can teach you how to swim like me.

Obama - Oh that's cruel....Ok,Ok I'll go when is the first one?

Teddy - Tonight when your TelePrompter says One........I will leave you now, there is another case of scotch in the cellar and I must drink it all before the night is over.

Narrator - The ghost of Teddy K stumbled out of his room and Ebeneezer Obama fell to his bed for a fitful sleep counting his taxes in his dreams when suddenly his TelePrompter called out One O'clock.

Obama - What, who, Oh that stupid TelePrompter is still on...I've got to learn how to speak without it so I can sleep at night and remember to close my eyes without it telling me to. Ok so where's this ghost old Teddy told me was coming?

Nixon - Ebeneezer Obama I am here and I am not a crook.

Obama - Are YOU the spirit who old Teddy told me about?

Nixon - No Jimmah Carter couldn't come so I volunteered because I was getting lonely and no one else wanted to come.

Obama - So who are you?

Nixon - I am Richard Millhouse Nixon, The Ghost of Christmas Past and don't you forget it.

Obama - But I thought you quit.

Nixon - No, that was just an evil rumor started by those Kennedy's and Walter Cronkite because he never liked me.

Obama - But my TelePrompter tells me that you quit and it's never wrong. It says right here that it was over 18 minutes of tape and you quit before you could be fired.

Nixon - 18 minutes, 18 minutes will no one ever let me forget those 18 minutes!!!

Obama - So why are you here?

Nixon - I'm not really sure, they didn't have time to brief me before I left and besides......well it's none of your business.

Obama - I thought you came to teach me some sort of lesson or something.

Nixon - What kind of lesson can I teach you, after all I quit, I lied, I cheated, I messed up the whole place in the process........you're doing that just fine without my help!

Obama - Thank you, coming from you that's quite a compliment! Is there anything you can teach me or can I just go back to bed?

Nixon - Well there is one thing.

Obama - What's that?

Nixon - If you ever get in a debate with someone better looking than you ALWAYS put makeup on so you look better.

Obama - THAT'S the lesson you came to teach.....I'm already good looking haven't you seen the papers?

Nixon - Hmmmmm arrogance, I like that.........Ok try this on for size......if you tape anything in your office NEVER let anyone else know you're taping... those tapes will kill you!

Obama - No one uses tape anymore.......I have this Blackberry will that do?

Nixon - No tape????? I've been gone way to long.....and why what good will some sour tasting fruit do?

Obama - No it's just called a Blackberry, it's a device that stores my appointments and any other type of information I need. I keep it with me all the time and no one else can see it.

Nixon - If I had one of those they never would have caught me.

Obama - Why do you think I keep one.

Nixon - Good move there Ebeneezer - Obama. My time here is over take the lessons that you have learned and use them for your own good.

Obama - But I didn't learn anything.

Nixon - Neither did I.....that's why I had to quit.......

Narrator - The specter suddenly vanished leaving behind only two nine minutes reels of tape labeled for my eyes only. Ebeneezer Obama went back to sleep dreaming once again of how much he could tax and get away with it. The TelePrompter flashed on and it said two O'clock which woke him from his sleep.

Obama - I've got to remember to turn that thing off....but then again I wouldn't know what to say if I did....what's that strange light under the door.

Narrator - Ebeneezer Obama rose from his bed and opened the door to his sitting room where he saw what was causing the light which had shown under his door. There in his sitting room were three bars serving drinks on the house to dozens of people most of which were women dressed like they worked in Las Vegas. There was a band playing music and he realized it was Bono and U2. There sitting on a throne in the midst of all of this was a white haired giant playing a saxophone.

Clinton - Look up, look up and let's PARTY man.

Obama - Hey I know you, in fact I stole most of my staff at the office from you.

Clinton - Yep and that was a cool move dude because they made me the man I was and you the man you are.......anyway for this gig baby, I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Obama - They sent you to teach me a lesson?

Clinton - Heck no Ebeneezer Obama, I'm not here to teach you anything, I think you're doing a great job almost as good as me in fact. Na I'm here cause it's Christmas and we are gonna have a PARTYYYYYY. Grab you a chick and come on over here.

Obama - So is that all we're going to do is party?

Clinton - Well we do have a little work to do....I guess I might as well get on with it....grab my saxophone and let's boogie man, I have somewhere to take you!

Narrator - Ebeneezer Obama touched Bubba's saxophone and the party vanished and became a tenement house on the poorest street in the town.

Obama - Why have you brought me here?

Clinton - Hey buddy this is the home of your clerk John Boehner Cratchit.

Obama - Ok so who cares?

Clinton - No one, I just thought it would be good to watch how these lowly people like your clerk live and give us a chance to see first hand the way our tax and spend habits make the low life's live.

Obama - Oh in that case lead on Bubba.......who's that loud mouthed woman at the stove?

Clinton - That's your clerks wife, Michelle Cratchit......yep she's a witch if there ever was one....kind of reminds me of my wife.

Obama - Yeah mine too......can't say as I blame you for getting with that Monica girl.

Clinton - Thanks good buddy, now listen.

Michelle - (sounding ghetto) Oh no don't you ever talk to me that way John Boehner Cratchit, I'll get me some boys from the hood and they'll cut you the next time you talk like that.

Boehner - waaaaaa, waaaaaaa, waaaaa

Michelle - Will you shut up you big baby......

Obama - No wonder he cries all the time......

Clinton - yeah no kidding!

Michelle - Now you no good lazy husband when are you gonna get that boss of yours to give you a raise. I can't keep going on these expensive vacations with my peeps on the salary you make and besides I'm to good for you anyway.

Boehner - waaaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa.

Michelle - Maybe I'll just take Tiny Barney and we'll go to my mothers house and live with her then the boys from the hood can come get you and do with you what they want.

Boehner - waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaaa

Tiny Barney - Momma will I be able to take my intern with me?

Michelle - take any little boy you want son.....if that makes you happy.

Tiny Barney - Oh it does mommy it does and I say Obama bless us everyone.

Obama - I like the way that boy thinks.

Clinton - My time is short good buddy and we still have some partying to do.

Obama - Where are we now?

Clinton - This is my pad man......here I can hide from Hillary and get all the chicks and booze I want and she'll never find out.

Obama - Who are all these men here?

Clinton - That's the press, how else do you think I keep them in my corner. Chicks and booze will buy 'em every time.

Obama - You are da man Bubba.........

Narrator - Ebeneezer Obama once again found himself in his bed chamber with a glass of booze in one hand and a smoke in the other savoring every minute of the party time he had with the Ghost of Christmas Present. Suddenly the TelePrompter said it was three O'Clock and a familiar tune began to play. (Hail to the Chief)

Obama - Hey, they're playing my song.

Newt - No you blooming idiot....it's my song and I am the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Obama - Oh no it's Newt and it's your song now?

Newt - You got it Ebeneezer Obama, mine and mine alone.

Obama - Wait let's debate over this. I know that when I raise taxes my business prospers and I make a boat load of money.

Newt - Who wants your business to grow and who wants to pay you to tell them what to do and who wants to make it possible for you and yours to dictate how everyone else should live?

Obama - This is going to be a looooooong night!

Newt - Oh let me tell you Ebeneezer Obama, I haven't even started on you yet....Now first taxing the rich as you do it kills jobs, appeasing our enemies only makes them stronger, oppressing the people makes them angry......do I need to go on?

Obama - Can you?

Newt - Absolutely!

Obama - I was afraid of that!

Newt - From the beginning all men and women were created equal with the inalienable right for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.....

Narrator - The Ghost of Christmas Future continued to educate Ebeneezer Obama throughout the night. Sometimes he would listen but most of the time he only nodded off to sleep and the Ghost had to wake him again and again.

Newt - Have you learned anything Ebeneezer Obama?

Obama - Yeah I've learned I'm going to have to pay those press boys a lot more under the table to make me look good because when people here you I'm toast.

Newt - Well then I guess we might as well get used to this being my song now........(hail to the chief plays and fades)

Narrator - Ebeneezer Obama awoke with a start, sweating terribly and finding himself in his bed chamber and the morning light shining through the window.

Obama - Oh no what a nightmare. I'd better get to the office quick and tax as many as I can before it's to late.

Narrator - So Ebeneezer Obama quickly dressed and ran to his office opened the door sat in his chair and began inventing any and every way of taxing anybody he could knowing that his time to do so was short and soon his office would be closed for good.

Obama - Let's see, the kid with the lemonaide stand, he's not paying his fair share. The old lady in the nursing home, she's not paying her fair share. All those unemployed dupes, they're not paying their fair share, Donald Trump.....he's not paying his fair share

(Sound of door opening)

Donald - Ebeneezer Obama......

Obama - Yes that's me.

Donald - You're fired!!!!!

Narrator - With that Ebeneezer Obama was taken kicking and screaming from his office, placed in a straight jacket and taken to the Funny Farm where life is beautiful all the time and he'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take him away, ha-haaa!!!!! But that's another story for another time.

Ken Taylor